You now have your orders.
-Kyle
April 16, 2009
February 14, 2009
SECOND QUARTER
Yow!
Hello! Us Dudes of the Lane have been "out of the game" for a while, so sorry if you were relying on us to learn about video games, or the outside world. I don't know why anyone would do that, and I hope that is not the case. There are newspapers and old people, people! Really, now. Unless you are being threatened to read us, in which case leave a comment and we'll see what we can do. If someone says something about doing violent things if you try any "funny stuff," ignore them, because they are probably talking "out of their butt." The Internet isn't that important!
Now that the holiday season is over and most of the good games we played have been lent out to people who still haven't finished them and won't give them back (my copy of Fallout 3), we turn to the slow trickle of second quarter releases. Games that come out at this time didn't come out during the holidays because they weren't finished, couldn't compete with the wicked hellness of Fallout 3, or are basically crappy. They are also notorious for coming out when you have stuff to do.
Here is a quick rundown of what is coming out and what I think about it "off-the-cuff." I am also going to write a haiku for each, because like haikus video games are art and are of the Japanese. The first game on our list is Japanese. I have zero problems with that, because it's probably going to be a fun game, and even if it isn't, I wouldn't blame Japan.
Street Fighter IV (360, PS3)
Hitting buttons fast
This looks cool. It's not like Soul Calibur, where you can win by pressing everything, but it's not super hard either. With the old Street Fighter games, people would draw on their TVs and do geometry to get good at it. This will be like that too, but only if you want it to be.
Halo Wars (360)
Halo from top-down
No one really wanted this
It's okay I guess
It's alright.
Resident Evil 5 (360, PS3)
You're in Africa
Zombies all over the place
Some of them are black
This is supposed to be cool? I don't know.
Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War II (PC)
War in the future
Tell guys where to go and shoot
I don't really care
Andre was really excited about this but when he was playing the beta on his computer I couldn't see anything and had to go to the bathroom. All in all this is a game for people who like computer games. They are probably going to have a great time with it.
As you can see and read, there are definitely some games coming out. If nothing here gets you riled up you are not alone. I literally slapped my palm into my face after reading that list. I think it might be because Fallout 3 and Dead Space were really good, so it's like these guys spent a little too much time in the bathroom; when they come out you are still talking to someone else. Think about it. Or maybe "the juice was thicker when you were better to your ticker," which is something my dad says. What that means is up to you. I guess what I am trying to say is that these games will be okay.
I didn't include release dates because they change and you have Google (everyone has Google). I tried not to mention any terrible games, but if any of these turn out to be bad, I apologize, because we try to do the right thing here at the ZBL. If you just happen to suck at the game when it comes out and try to take it out on my ideas, I can't really be sorry about that. It's your fault for getting mad at video games and a site about video games. I wouldn't even know where to start with that kind of nonsense.
Anyway, if you think a certain game coming out is not going to be a fart, give me a reason why, and I will think about it and maybe write a haiku to add to this list. If it's a game you are thinking of making in Flash or whatever, or that exists on a website, it doesn't count and I don't want to hear about it.
Okay, great! See you all at the lounge!
P.S. The lounge is here, or wherever relaxing happens.
Hello! Us Dudes of the Lane have been "out of the game" for a while, so sorry if you were relying on us to learn about video games, or the outside world. I don't know why anyone would do that, and I hope that is not the case. There are newspapers and old people, people! Really, now. Unless you are being threatened to read us, in which case leave a comment and we'll see what we can do. If someone says something about doing violent things if you try any "funny stuff," ignore them, because they are probably talking "out of their butt." The Internet isn't that important!
Now that the holiday season is over and most of the good games we played have been lent out to people who still haven't finished them and won't give them back (my copy of Fallout 3), we turn to the slow trickle of second quarter releases. Games that come out at this time didn't come out during the holidays because they weren't finished, couldn't compete with the wicked hellness of Fallout 3, or are basically crappy. They are also notorious for coming out when you have stuff to do.
Here is a quick rundown of what is coming out and what I think about it "off-the-cuff." I am also going to write a haiku for each, because like haikus video games are art and are of the Japanese. The first game on our list is Japanese. I have zero problems with that, because it's probably going to be a fun game, and even if it isn't, I wouldn't blame Japan.
Street Fighter IV (360, PS3)
Hitting buttons fast
Hope you like Japanese pop
Don't play it onlineThis looks cool. It's not like Soul Calibur, where you can win by pressing everything, but it's not super hard either. With the old Street Fighter games, people would draw on their TVs and do geometry to get good at it. This will be like that too, but only if you want it to be.
Halo Wars (360)
Halo from top-down
No one really wanted this
It's okay I guess
It's alright.
Resident Evil 5 (360, PS3)
You're in Africa
Zombies all over the place
Some of them are black
You may remember that I liked Resident Evil 4 enough to put it on a year-end wrap-up two years after it came out. This is basically that but with a lot of controversy, because Africa has a ton of problems. Like MC Hammer would say, I can't touch this (that). If MC Hammer was a zombie, I would have no qualms about shooting him, because he's a zombie, not because he's MC Hammer. That's kind of how I feel about this game.
Resistance 2 (PS3)
Something about guns
This is not a good screenshot
Might not be same game
This is not a good screenshot
Might not be same game
This is supposed to be cool? I don't know.
Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War II (PC)
War in the future
Tell guys where to go and shoot
I don't really care
Andre was really excited about this but when he was playing the beta on his computer I couldn't see anything and had to go to the bathroom. All in all this is a game for people who like computer games. They are probably going to have a great time with it.
As you can see and read, there are definitely some games coming out. If nothing here gets you riled up you are not alone. I literally slapped my palm into my face after reading that list. I think it might be because Fallout 3 and Dead Space were really good, so it's like these guys spent a little too much time in the bathroom; when they come out you are still talking to someone else. Think about it. Or maybe "the juice was thicker when you were better to your ticker," which is something my dad says. What that means is up to you. I guess what I am trying to say is that these games will be okay.
I didn't include release dates because they change and you have Google (everyone has Google). I tried not to mention any terrible games, but if any of these turn out to be bad, I apologize, because we try to do the right thing here at the ZBL. If you just happen to suck at the game when it comes out and try to take it out on my ideas, I can't really be sorry about that. It's your fault for getting mad at video games and a site about video games. I wouldn't even know where to start with that kind of nonsense.
Anyway, if you think a certain game coming out is not going to be a fart, give me a reason why, and I will think about it and maybe write a haiku to add to this list. If it's a game you are thinking of making in Flash or whatever, or that exists on a website, it doesn't count and I don't want to hear about it.
Okay, great! See you all at the lounge!
P.S. The lounge is here, or wherever relaxing happens.
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