Ladies and Gentlemen I have an announcement

You now have your orders.

-Kyle

SECOND QUARTER

Yow!

Hello! Us Dudes of the Lane have been "out of the game" for a while, so sorry if you were relying on us to learn about video games, or the outside world. I don't know why anyone would do that, and I hope that is not the case. There are newspapers and old people, people! Really, now. Unless you are being threatened to read us, in which case leave a comment and we'll see what we can do. If someone says something about doing violent things if you try any "funny stuff," ignore them, because they are probably talking "out of their butt." The Internet isn't that important!

Now that the holiday season is over and most of the good games we played have been lent out to people who still haven't finished them and won't give them back (my copy of Fallout 3), we turn to the slow trickle of second quarter releases. Games that come out at this time didn't come out during the holidays because they weren't finished, couldn't compete with the wicked hellness of Fallout 3, or are basically crappy. They are also notorious for coming out when you have stuff to do.

Here is a quick rundown of what is coming out and what I think about it "off-the-cuff." I am also going to write a haiku for each, because like haikus video games are art and are of the Japanese. The first game on our list is Japanese. I have zero problems with that, because it's probably going to be a fun game, and even if it isn't, I wouldn't blame Japan.

Street Fighter IV (360, PS3)

Hitting buttons fast

Hope you like Japanese pop

Don't play it online

This looks cool. It's not like Soul Calibur, where you can win by pressing everything, but it's not super hard either. With the old Street Fighter games, people would draw on their TVs and do geometry to get good at it. This will be like that too, but only if you want it to be.

Halo Wars (360)

Halo from top-down
No one really wanted this
It's okay I guess

It's alright.

Resident Evil 5 (360, PS3)

You're in Africa
Zombies all over the place
Some of them are black

You may remember that I liked Resident Evil 4 enough to put it on a year-end wrap-up two years after it came out. This is basically that but with a lot of controversy, because Africa has a ton of problems. Like MC Hammer would say, I can't touch this (that). If MC Hammer was a zombie, I would have no qualms about shooting him, because he's a zombie, not because he's MC Hammer. That's kind of how I feel about this game.

Resistance 2 (PS3)

Something about guns
This is not a good screenshot
Might not be same game

This is supposed to be cool? I don't know.

Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War II (PC)

War in the future
Tell guys where to go and shoot
I don't really care

Andre was really excited about this but when he was playing the beta on his computer I couldn't see anything and had to go to the bathroom. All in all this is a game for people who like computer games. They are probably going to have a great time with it.

As you can see and read, there are definitely some games coming out. If nothing here gets you riled up you are not alone. I literally slapped my palm into my face after reading that list. I think it might be because Fallout 3 and Dead Space were really good, so it's like these guys spent a little too much time in the bathroom; when they come out you are still talking to someone else. Think about it. Or maybe "the juice was thicker when you were better to your ticker," which is something my dad says. What that means is up to you. I guess what I am trying to say is that these games will be okay.

I didn't include release dates because they change and you have Google (everyone has Google). I tried not to mention any terrible games, but if any of these turn out to be bad, I apologize, because we try to do the right thing here at the ZBL. If you just happen to suck at the game when it comes out and try to take it out on my ideas, I can't really be sorry about that. It's your fault for getting mad at video games and a site about video games. I wouldn't even know where to start with that kind of nonsense.

Anyway, if you think a certain game coming out is not going to be a fart, give me a reason why, and I will think about it and maybe write a haiku to add to this list. If it's a game you are thinking of making in Flash or whatever, or that exists on a website, it doesn't count and I don't want to hear about it.

Okay, great! See you all at the lounge!

P.S. The lounge is here, or wherever relaxing happens.

Abe Vigoda?!

Hey guys, did you know Abe Vigoda is like really old?

I know eh?

He has a site and it tells you exactly that.

Please help Abe Vigoda remain relevant in today's culture.

Abe Vigoda


Abe Vigoda circa 2008

GAME BREAK

Ho!

It's summertime, and we're all still indoors. Like you! Unless you're like that guy on a postcard from 1995 who uses a laptop on some beach, looking like a huge idiot. You know the one! Fruity drink with a little paper umbrella, suntan lotion on his nose, computer like two cereal boxes spraypainted green. I'd say he's a workaholic, and also kind of a retard, especially if he knew he couldn't get a signal and brought all that crap out there anyway. Maybe it wasn't his computer or his hat and he was just a crazy thief. And even if he could go online, there wasn't even a YouTube on the Internet back then, just black and green like in "The Matrix" (for a long time the Internet was called The Matrix).

For all his possible problems though, this guy knew the score. He knew that the sun and seabreeze were going to get boring eventually so he had some spreadsheets on hand to keep him right in the head, and probably Microsoft Word open with his name written out in every font (if he was crazy this is basically guaranteed). I kind of forgot the point I was trying to make so here are some reviews of the games that have been occupying the deep and terrible voids in our lives. Actually there are only three games. Still. That guy would have had only one, Minesweeper, and that is the worst game; it is so bad it would have made him crazy if he wasn't already.

Condemned: Criminal Origins

Drop the bird! It could make you get sick!

In Condemned you pick up dead birds and hit homeless people with wood, or shoot them. It's like, What your parents told you never to do as a kid: the game. Also, the homeless people are very angry and trying to kill you for reasons beyond their control (some of them are zombies), so don't feel too bad about it. Condemned is very dark and most of the time you find yourself being bludgeoned with something pulled off a wall. What a circus! You can also hit enemies with a shovel. It's all done pretty well and anyone who didn't like that Animal Crossing didn't let you kill things with its shovel will have their cake and eat it too. Oh, and you do some CSI stuff, there are lasers, etc. (That's for all the laser people out there.)

Earth Defense Force 2017

"Yo Commander can I shoot this" "Yes"

You shoot heck of giant bugs and robots and UFOs. That's all you do in this game so if that sounds good you will probably like it. There are huge dinosaurs too, so here's your chance to shoot those with rockets (for some in the video game field, kind of a big deal).

Ninja Gaiden II

In Ninja Gaiden II you are sometimes given special tasks, like reducing a crappy sweater into useless bundles of wool

This game is really bloody. You are a ninja who flips out on people like that old website used to say, except here it's very graphic and there's some kind of heavy metal playing while you bounce around slicing off the heads of some guys who probably should've given up after seeing all the heads lying around. The heads and bloody stumps don't go away like in other games. The game wants you to remember the lives you ruined and ruminate, while slicing more people up, because that is the way of the ninja. Man, it's bloody. See that picture? That's all blood, and that guy doesn't have a head. He can't see anymore, or think of colours. There are werewolves too (they also get chopped up pretty bad). If you are over 12 and can get a rise out of so many things losing their heads so quickly you might like this. If you are under 12 your mom might yell at you about it, or gasp aloud. She might put her hand on the TV and call your dad.

That's all for now! I have to use the bathroom. See you next time. We're going to go outside, promise. Okay, bye.

XBOX 360

Think fast!

Tomorrow I am probably going to get my Xbox 360 back from a repair centre. It broke because of statistics. This means I'll be able to play video games again, and whatever gains I've made in the interim will regress within moments. Whoops! Good thing college is just a hustle!

This is not an Xbox 360, but it is probably more reliable "from a hardware standpoint" and better for society (less fat kids, less fat kids yelling, etc)

This also means I'll be able to hop back online with the Dudes of the Lane. Lately we've been relegated to the practice of sitting in the same room and talking, which is weird and obsolete. (Eye contact: creepy.) What are we playing, Backgammon with old people? Even they're in the loop, with some beeping LCD keychain version that does everything with one button. And sharing a screen might be fun, but do it for too long and it's like you're married or something. "Which one is yours?" "Who took the car?" "This was a huge mistake and now I can't see anyone. I hate you so much I am red. I want half." Sheesh! I'll take my own screen and the ability to fart while the mic is muted (everyone does this) over human interaction any day. Farts or friends: in my world, this is a no-brainer. We are met with this choice virtually every day and it's only as hard a call as you make it. [There are no good pictures of farts on Google, sorry.]

Ron Howard's GTA playstyle: He just crashes the cars over and over

Oh! And the new Grand Theft Auto game is going to be released soon. How am I supposed to aggravate police with a moped for the better part of an afternoon without an Xbox? I can't do that in real life: I could get a wanted level. And if I wanted to kill some people with a big dildo or a rocket launcher? Nuh-uh -- that'll get the army involved, and no one wants that unless they have a plane, or all sorts of cheats enabled. This is why we have video games, people. This is like a case study of why we do this. Mostly though, I want to hear the voice acting, which is generally very good for a game whose main concern is enabling the broadest possible range of violent acts. The voice acting is great, actually. Steve Buscemi was in one. Or maybe it was a different guy from Reservoir Dogs. But one of them was in it, and the game was better for it. Their voices were that good. I even nodded a few times, like, "This is true." I'm thinking of the Grand Theft Auto game with some kind of coffee mini-game -- I didn't try that part, but I think it's very high-brow and forward-thinking, turning the mundane into gameplay like that. I would probably try it this time around. Anyway, I would bet money on this one being special, but I won't, because buying it will already be kind of a bet since if it's really crappy or shatters into a million tiny slivers that become embedded in my lungs and poison me I will be out at least one tier of my pyramid of rolled up quarters and possibly die, totally losing the bet. Life is no game!

"UNNNGGGHH" "WHOOOAAAAH" "I'M AT LEVEL 9000"

Also, video games might be the reason I can't think of anything else to put here. Maybe it's true what the lawyers and teachers say. I think I have just enough brain capacity left to write about games a bit and then be aware of the damage they have done. In my naivety I thought I was filling the void they left with other things (like stories about boats) but there's no going back and I am probably bound on a chemical level. It is kind of sad. Please no loud noises or pranks involving football tackles, unless you are willing to rehabilitate my concussed and slobbering self with Wii tennis and a gentle guiding hand. I don't know if I'm kidding! I already forgot what this paragraph is about, and it is a good feeling.

'Till next time! (I don't know exactly what is going to be here next time, but there is a good chance -- 50 percent maybe -- it will be about video games. Maybe you would like to see it. Think about it!)

VIDEO GAMES a year in review

Hey!

Hello!

With the newest year nearly upon us I figured what better time than now to reflect on a great year in gaming, which as you may know persists as a common thread between us Dudes of the Lane minus of course being raw fellows of taste and influence also capable of some pretty sweet jumps all things considered (Kyle can backflip without moving his arms, Andre levitates (basically the best one), and I can make the soles of my shoes connect like a leprechaun, but never on ice because that is extremely dangerous). But we don't play games to jump, no. (Except Crackdown, which we have recognized.) We play games to jump and shoot (doing both at once is particularly effective as a Soldier in Team Fortress 2 -- you may jot that down before proceeding to the next sentence; it is cool with us). Indeed, some of the best games we have played are those in which jumping and shooting are integrated flawlessly, or in clever ways. If you play video games you can attest that this is a pretty big deal. You basically play them to shoot things and sometimes jump. 99% of video games are about that.

Why don't they let the baby play? He has owned them before. He will own them again

Looking back we saw some pretty sweet pieces of software hit shelves and wrestled our share of blockbuster titles to the ground. Some we were going to play but didn't. We didn't really play any crappy games so sorry if you were looking forward to reading about those. The last bad game we played was Silent Hill 4 and that's when Kyle and I were sleep-deprived and jobless and so rented a terrible game against our better judgment. It was pretty bad, all with clunky controls and a meandering player path and repetitive combat so we did not finish it. The FMV at the beginning was kind of sweet but you can not play that so it was taken out of consideration pretty much automatically. Anyway with the Internet this does not happen much anymore, and besides playing really crappy games is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel, or shooting some kind of generic enemy with unresponsive controls using the same gun that shoots the same adjectives over and over. This year games mostly delivered but some delivered more than others. Those we must salute.

BEST SEX WITH A BLUE ALIEN

In Mass Effect you talk to aliens before you do them (not this one, weirdo!)

Mass Effect

I haven't played Mass Effect but going by Kyle's account and what I have read elsewhere this is one of the best things about the game, and about video games this year. I think it's kind of creepy but if the game does it well, it deserves to be recognized. Get it? Does it. In a few years we will probably have games that let you have sex with all kinds of aliens, but that sort of thing takes time. For blazing this particular trail my hat goes off to Mass Effect. I dare say there is no other game as open-minded.

BEST WRITING IN A GAME (FONTS I MEAN)

With Halo 3 you never have to read anything twice

Halo 3

Halo 3, you did a lot of things wrong, like allowing twelve year olds to play online and scream about violence, but your fonts were not one of them. On any TV they look great and do not obscure the thing you want to do in the game. Nice going, Halo 3.

BEST WRITING IN A GAME (WHEN THE PEOPLE IN THE GAME SAY THINGS)

In Portal even the turrets say stuff about you

Portal

I mean, this is a pretty funny game. When people said Portal was a funny game, I scoffed and scoffed until I started coughing because video games are about shooting people and sports, and those are not funny things unless you make people go flying or spin your car into them or whatever, and besides that's a kind of funny that words can't describe. Playing it was a big surprise because it is pretty funny in a comedy writing way. By that I mean playing the game the evil computer system makes jokes about you (the character you play) dying, and they almost always connect. There are also jokes about cakes and a cube that helps you. Textbook example, people.

BEST JUMPING IN A GAME

If jumping was a game they would call it Crackdown

Crackdown

Crackdown is pretty much the only game where you level up your ability to jump, which says a lot about its focus on jumping. If you so please you can spend your time with the game only jumping, collecting orbs in high-up places, which is kind of a strange way to fight crime (you are a cop in the future), but you can. You can hop from rooftop to rooftop of tall buildings, even if you're carrying a car. In every other game you go two feet off the ground but Crackdown all but lets you fly. Everything else Crackdown lets you do, like shooting and kicking a guy in the head, is done better elsewhere. Basically, except for jumping and letting you play the Halo 3 beta, Crackdown does not have a lot going for it, but anyone who really likes jumping won't care about that. The history of video games will probably not remember you Crackdown, but we will, because you really cared about jumping.

BEST GAME THAT LETS YOU BE A SPY

In Team Fortress 2 the Spy smokes while stabbing people. You couldn't do this in real life because the smell would give you away

Team Fortress 2

TF2 is game that you can only play with other people, over the Internet. There is no story. When you join a server to play you pick a team and a class, or for you old-school types, which guy you want to play as. You can be a lot of people, all of whom have some good lines that they say by themselves based on what is happening (like, "Ow!" or a loud, terrible laugh), and whichever one you play as you can give someone a hurting in defense or pursuit of the given objective (a briefcase or a light you stand on). The Spy is pretty much the best one, because you can disguise yourself as a guy on the other team and break stuff that the other team made. You have a butterfly knife and a pistol (not great, but fancy) and can turn invisible. No other game has all of the things that make being a spy great; only some. This is why it is the best one in this category. TF2 is the Sean Connery of games that let you be a spy.

BEST SHOOTING IN A GAME

Resident Evil 4 has an unlockable gun that shoots cranberries. Just kidding!

Resident Evil 4

I know this is like three years old but damn. It is so cool. You have probably played it. There is less freedom of movement than in a First Person Shooter but it is crisp and you can shoot guys who are running at you in the foot, which is pretty smart. In any other game you have to keep shooting at every part of them until they are dead. In Resident Evil 4 you can go right for the feet. This changes the game fundamentally, because instead of having to kill everything you are given the choice of basically tripping the bad guys in a very painful way. For taking the well-worn premise of Home Alone to a new level, Resident Evil 4 gets my commendation. No other game can say the same.

Thanks for reading (even only this line).

Holy shit it's been 3 years

My god people we've been blogging for 3 years as of December 21st.

3 years of babbuhls and 3 years of innocent boundless stupidity refined only as hand gestures could refine them.

I wish I had some sort of penultimate speech prepared for you guys but honestly I don't, i'm just as suprised as the 4 people who read this blog are about how we've survived this long but damnit Jim we're still here playing video games and saying stupid things sometimes.

Just the way I like it.

Zibbudie Babbuhl

-Kyle out
Don't try to tell me that my intentions are untrue <3