XBOX 360

Think fast!

Tomorrow I am probably going to get my Xbox 360 back from a repair centre. It broke because of statistics. This means I'll be able to play video games again, and whatever gains I've made in the interim will regress within moments. Whoops! Good thing college is just a hustle!

This is not an Xbox 360, but it is probably more reliable "from a hardware standpoint" and better for society (less fat kids, less fat kids yelling, etc)

This also means I'll be able to hop back online with the Dudes of the Lane. Lately we've been relegated to the practice of sitting in the same room and talking, which is weird and obsolete. (Eye contact: creepy.) What are we playing, Backgammon with old people? Even they're in the loop, with some beeping LCD keychain version that does everything with one button. And sharing a screen might be fun, but do it for too long and it's like you're married or something. "Which one is yours?" "Who took the car?" "This was a huge mistake and now I can't see anyone. I hate you so much I am red. I want half." Sheesh! I'll take my own screen and the ability to fart while the mic is muted (everyone does this) over human interaction any day. Farts or friends: in my world, this is a no-brainer. We are met with this choice virtually every day and it's only as hard a call as you make it. [There are no good pictures of farts on Google, sorry.]

Ron Howard's GTA playstyle: He just crashes the cars over and over

Oh! And the new Grand Theft Auto game is going to be released soon. How am I supposed to aggravate police with a moped for the better part of an afternoon without an Xbox? I can't do that in real life: I could get a wanted level. And if I wanted to kill some people with a big dildo or a rocket launcher? Nuh-uh -- that'll get the army involved, and no one wants that unless they have a plane, or all sorts of cheats enabled. This is why we have video games, people. This is like a case study of why we do this. Mostly though, I want to hear the voice acting, which is generally very good for a game whose main concern is enabling the broadest possible range of violent acts. The voice acting is great, actually. Steve Buscemi was in one. Or maybe it was a different guy from Reservoir Dogs. But one of them was in it, and the game was better for it. Their voices were that good. I even nodded a few times, like, "This is true." I'm thinking of the Grand Theft Auto game with some kind of coffee mini-game -- I didn't try that part, but I think it's very high-brow and forward-thinking, turning the mundane into gameplay like that. I would probably try it this time around. Anyway, I would bet money on this one being special, but I won't, because buying it will already be kind of a bet since if it's really crappy or shatters into a million tiny slivers that become embedded in my lungs and poison me I will be out at least one tier of my pyramid of rolled up quarters and possibly die, totally losing the bet. Life is no game!

"UNNNGGGHH" "WHOOOAAAAH" "I'M AT LEVEL 9000"

Also, video games might be the reason I can't think of anything else to put here. Maybe it's true what the lawyers and teachers say. I think I have just enough brain capacity left to write about games a bit and then be aware of the damage they have done. In my naivety I thought I was filling the void they left with other things (like stories about boats) but there's no going back and I am probably bound on a chemical level. It is kind of sad. Please no loud noises or pranks involving football tackles, unless you are willing to rehabilitate my concussed and slobbering self with Wii tennis and a gentle guiding hand. I don't know if I'm kidding! I already forgot what this paragraph is about, and it is a good feeling.

'Till next time! (I don't know exactly what is going to be here next time, but there is a good chance -- 50 percent maybe -- it will be about video games. Maybe you would like to see it. Think about it!)