GAME BREAK

Ho!

It's summertime, and we're all still indoors. Like you! Unless you're like that guy on a postcard from 1995 who uses a laptop on some beach, looking like a huge idiot. You know the one! Fruity drink with a little paper umbrella, suntan lotion on his nose, computer like two cereal boxes spraypainted green. I'd say he's a workaholic, and also kind of a retard, especially if he knew he couldn't get a signal and brought all that crap out there anyway. Maybe it wasn't his computer or his hat and he was just a crazy thief. And even if he could go online, there wasn't even a YouTube on the Internet back then, just black and green like in "The Matrix" (for a long time the Internet was called The Matrix).

For all his possible problems though, this guy knew the score. He knew that the sun and seabreeze were going to get boring eventually so he had some spreadsheets on hand to keep him right in the head, and probably Microsoft Word open with his name written out in every font (if he was crazy this is basically guaranteed). I kind of forgot the point I was trying to make so here are some reviews of the games that have been occupying the deep and terrible voids in our lives. Actually there are only three games. Still. That guy would have had only one, Minesweeper, and that is the worst game; it is so bad it would have made him crazy if he wasn't already.

Condemned: Criminal Origins

Drop the bird! It could make you get sick!

In Condemned you pick up dead birds and hit homeless people with wood, or shoot them. It's like, What your parents told you never to do as a kid: the game. Also, the homeless people are very angry and trying to kill you for reasons beyond their control (some of them are zombies), so don't feel too bad about it. Condemned is very dark and most of the time you find yourself being bludgeoned with something pulled off a wall. What a circus! You can also hit enemies with a shovel. It's all done pretty well and anyone who didn't like that Animal Crossing didn't let you kill things with its shovel will have their cake and eat it too. Oh, and you do some CSI stuff, there are lasers, etc. (That's for all the laser people out there.)

Earth Defense Force 2017

"Yo Commander can I shoot this" "Yes"

You shoot heck of giant bugs and robots and UFOs. That's all you do in this game so if that sounds good you will probably like it. There are huge dinosaurs too, so here's your chance to shoot those with rockets (for some in the video game field, kind of a big deal).

Ninja Gaiden II

In Ninja Gaiden II you are sometimes given special tasks, like reducing a crappy sweater into useless bundles of wool

This game is really bloody. You are a ninja who flips out on people like that old website used to say, except here it's very graphic and there's some kind of heavy metal playing while you bounce around slicing off the heads of some guys who probably should've given up after seeing all the heads lying around. The heads and bloody stumps don't go away like in other games. The game wants you to remember the lives you ruined and ruminate, while slicing more people up, because that is the way of the ninja. Man, it's bloody. See that picture? That's all blood, and that guy doesn't have a head. He can't see anymore, or think of colours. There are werewolves too (they also get chopped up pretty bad). If you are over 12 and can get a rise out of so many things losing their heads so quickly you might like this. If you are under 12 your mom might yell at you about it, or gasp aloud. She might put her hand on the TV and call your dad.

That's all for now! I have to use the bathroom. See you next time. We're going to go outside, promise. Okay, bye.