Abe Vigoda?!

Hey guys, did you know Abe Vigoda is like really old?

I know eh?

He has a site and it tells you exactly that.

Please help Abe Vigoda remain relevant in today's culture.

Abe Vigoda


Abe Vigoda circa 2008

GAME BREAK

Ho!

It's summertime, and we're all still indoors. Like you! Unless you're like that guy on a postcard from 1995 who uses a laptop on some beach, looking like a huge idiot. You know the one! Fruity drink with a little paper umbrella, suntan lotion on his nose, computer like two cereal boxes spraypainted green. I'd say he's a workaholic, and also kind of a retard, especially if he knew he couldn't get a signal and brought all that crap out there anyway. Maybe it wasn't his computer or his hat and he was just a crazy thief. And even if he could go online, there wasn't even a YouTube on the Internet back then, just black and green like in "The Matrix" (for a long time the Internet was called The Matrix).

For all his possible problems though, this guy knew the score. He knew that the sun and seabreeze were going to get boring eventually so he had some spreadsheets on hand to keep him right in the head, and probably Microsoft Word open with his name written out in every font (if he was crazy this is basically guaranteed). I kind of forgot the point I was trying to make so here are some reviews of the games that have been occupying the deep and terrible voids in our lives. Actually there are only three games. Still. That guy would have had only one, Minesweeper, and that is the worst game; it is so bad it would have made him crazy if he wasn't already.

Condemned: Criminal Origins

Drop the bird! It could make you get sick!

In Condemned you pick up dead birds and hit homeless people with wood, or shoot them. It's like, What your parents told you never to do as a kid: the game. Also, the homeless people are very angry and trying to kill you for reasons beyond their control (some of them are zombies), so don't feel too bad about it. Condemned is very dark and most of the time you find yourself being bludgeoned with something pulled off a wall. What a circus! You can also hit enemies with a shovel. It's all done pretty well and anyone who didn't like that Animal Crossing didn't let you kill things with its shovel will have their cake and eat it too. Oh, and you do some CSI stuff, there are lasers, etc. (That's for all the laser people out there.)

Earth Defense Force 2017

"Yo Commander can I shoot this" "Yes"

You shoot heck of giant bugs and robots and UFOs. That's all you do in this game so if that sounds good you will probably like it. There are huge dinosaurs too, so here's your chance to shoot those with rockets (for some in the video game field, kind of a big deal).

Ninja Gaiden II

In Ninja Gaiden II you are sometimes given special tasks, like reducing a crappy sweater into useless bundles of wool

This game is really bloody. You are a ninja who flips out on people like that old website used to say, except here it's very graphic and there's some kind of heavy metal playing while you bounce around slicing off the heads of some guys who probably should've given up after seeing all the heads lying around. The heads and bloody stumps don't go away like in other games. The game wants you to remember the lives you ruined and ruminate, while slicing more people up, because that is the way of the ninja. Man, it's bloody. See that picture? That's all blood, and that guy doesn't have a head. He can't see anymore, or think of colours. There are werewolves too (they also get chopped up pretty bad). If you are over 12 and can get a rise out of so many things losing their heads so quickly you might like this. If you are under 12 your mom might yell at you about it, or gasp aloud. She might put her hand on the TV and call your dad.

That's all for now! I have to use the bathroom. See you next time. We're going to go outside, promise. Okay, bye.

XBOX 360

Think fast!

Tomorrow I am probably going to get my Xbox 360 back from a repair centre. It broke because of statistics. This means I'll be able to play video games again, and whatever gains I've made in the interim will regress within moments. Whoops! Good thing college is just a hustle!

This is not an Xbox 360, but it is probably more reliable "from a hardware standpoint" and better for society (less fat kids, less fat kids yelling, etc)

This also means I'll be able to hop back online with the Dudes of the Lane. Lately we've been relegated to the practice of sitting in the same room and talking, which is weird and obsolete. (Eye contact: creepy.) What are we playing, Backgammon with old people? Even they're in the loop, with some beeping LCD keychain version that does everything with one button. And sharing a screen might be fun, but do it for too long and it's like you're married or something. "Which one is yours?" "Who took the car?" "This was a huge mistake and now I can't see anyone. I hate you so much I am red. I want half." Sheesh! I'll take my own screen and the ability to fart while the mic is muted (everyone does this) over human interaction any day. Farts or friends: in my world, this is a no-brainer. We are met with this choice virtually every day and it's only as hard a call as you make it. [There are no good pictures of farts on Google, sorry.]

Ron Howard's GTA playstyle: He just crashes the cars over and over

Oh! And the new Grand Theft Auto game is going to be released soon. How am I supposed to aggravate police with a moped for the better part of an afternoon without an Xbox? I can't do that in real life: I could get a wanted level. And if I wanted to kill some people with a big dildo or a rocket launcher? Nuh-uh -- that'll get the army involved, and no one wants that unless they have a plane, or all sorts of cheats enabled. This is why we have video games, people. This is like a case study of why we do this. Mostly though, I want to hear the voice acting, which is generally very good for a game whose main concern is enabling the broadest possible range of violent acts. The voice acting is great, actually. Steve Buscemi was in one. Or maybe it was a different guy from Reservoir Dogs. But one of them was in it, and the game was better for it. Their voices were that good. I even nodded a few times, like, "This is true." I'm thinking of the Grand Theft Auto game with some kind of coffee mini-game -- I didn't try that part, but I think it's very high-brow and forward-thinking, turning the mundane into gameplay like that. I would probably try it this time around. Anyway, I would bet money on this one being special, but I won't, because buying it will already be kind of a bet since if it's really crappy or shatters into a million tiny slivers that become embedded in my lungs and poison me I will be out at least one tier of my pyramid of rolled up quarters and possibly die, totally losing the bet. Life is no game!

"UNNNGGGHH" "WHOOOAAAAH" "I'M AT LEVEL 9000"

Also, video games might be the reason I can't think of anything else to put here. Maybe it's true what the lawyers and teachers say. I think I have just enough brain capacity left to write about games a bit and then be aware of the damage they have done. In my naivety I thought I was filling the void they left with other things (like stories about boats) but there's no going back and I am probably bound on a chemical level. It is kind of sad. Please no loud noises or pranks involving football tackles, unless you are willing to rehabilitate my concussed and slobbering self with Wii tennis and a gentle guiding hand. I don't know if I'm kidding! I already forgot what this paragraph is about, and it is a good feeling.

'Till next time! (I don't know exactly what is going to be here next time, but there is a good chance -- 50 percent maybe -- it will be about video games. Maybe you would like to see it. Think about it!)